The "Shitty Committee" that Lives in My Brain

I composed the following "Musing" for my team at thredUP, where we regularly share our thoughts on topics that are currently significant to us. In this piece, I discuss my personal experiences with anxiety and negative self-talk, as well as the techniques I have employed to overcome these challenges.

At the recommendation of a colleague, I recently read the book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross. Combining scientific research, real-life examples, and personal anecdotes, the book delves into the profound impact our inner dialogue has on our lives.

“Chatter” refers to the ongoing internal conversations we engage in, encompassing both vital introspection (such as problem-solving, emotional regulation, and self-awareness) and unproductive thought patterns (including rumination, self-criticism, overthinking, and paranoia). The book’s central theme investigates how to quiet destructive chatter and direct our inner voice towards productivity, connection, and empowerment.

As someone with generalized anxiety disorder, I deeply resonate with the difficulties Kross outlines when negative chatter spirals out of control and turns debilitating. Prior to receiving a proper diagnosis and treatment for my anxiety, I was frequently plagued by what I now call “The Shitty Committee” residing in my brain. This unhelpful self-talk led to uncontrolled negative thoughts and obsessive spirals, which distorted my perception of reality. While a moderate degree of anxiety can motivate me to work diligently, maintain focus, and anticipate potential problems, unregulated anxiety can render me so overwhelmed, paranoid, insecure, and depressed that it becomes impossible to function.

My struggles with negative chatter impacted both my work and my personal relationships. I would frequently find myself revisiting conversations and obsessing over social interactions from the past or worrying about future interactions. This made me hyper-vigilant to any perceived negative signals or cues from others, and I would often (incorrectly) interpret these signals as evidence that someone didn’t like me or that I had done something wrong. This further fueled my anxiety and amplified the negative chatter in my mind.

Regrettably, I sometimes responded to these imagined negative perceptions by withdrawing from social interactions, distancing myself from friends and colleagues, and avoiding opportunities for connection. In this way, my chatter became a self-fulfilling prophecy, as my anxiety alienated those around me, leading to a negative feedback loop.

I hit a particularly low point during graduate school when my anxiety became so paralyzing that I couldn’t get out of bed for days on end. Thankfully, I was able to seek help, and I’m happy to report that today, The Shitty Committee has been officially dismantled. What I admired about “Chatter” is its clear explanation of various techniques and strategies (many of which I found beneficial when working to overcome my own unproductive internal dialogue) accompanied by the scientific research that elucidates why these approaches are effective.

Here are some of the tools that Kross discusses in “Chatter” that I have found particularly helpful when overcoming my struggles with anxiety and negative self-talk:

Utilize distanced self-talk: Create distance from your thoughts by employing self-distancing language (addressing yourself by name or using third-person pronouns) and adopting an external perspective; consider what advice you’d give to a friend facing the same situation. I also found that praying—conversing with a higher power that I perceived as compassionate and supportive—resulted in more productive self-talk than solely engaging in an internal dialogue.

Expand your perspective: Adjust your viewpoint to consider the past or future, reminding yourself that the current situation is temporary and that you’ve surmounted similar obstacles before. Reflect on the importance of the issue at hand relative to larger concerns in the world. Normalize your experience by acknowledging that you are not unique in facing challenges like this.

Reframing: Alter your perception of a situation by concentrating on the potential growth and learning opportunities it offers. Recognize the valuable lessons and insights you can gain from facing such challenges. Remind yourself of your past accomplishments and successes in overcoming comparable circumstances, bolstering your confidence and reinforcing your ability to navigate the present situation effectively.

Writing: Articulate your thoughts and emotions through journaling or letter writing to achieve clarity and diminish emotional intensity. One technique I utilize involves composing a letter (that I do not send) when I feel angry, hurt, or emotional. This practice enables me to release my feelings and anxiety into the void, resulting in a less charged conversation when I do engage with the person. Even penning this reflection has helped me recognize the progress I’ve made in managing my anxiety and instilled a hope that perhaps learnings from my past struggles can be valuable to others.

Rituals: Engage in rituals or routines to establish a sense of control and order during times of uncertainty. This can be as simple as a regular morning routine or mantra. Rituals with cultural, familial, or ceremonial significance can be particularly powerful. For instance, mourning rituals can help you process grief and loss, while lifecycle rituals, such as milestone celebrations or rites of passage, provide opportunities to set intentions and acknowledge personal growth. By participating in these meaningful practices, individuals can better navigate challenging situations, regulate their internal dialogue, and find comfort in shared experiences.

Green spaces: Spending time in natural environments can alleviate stress and improve cognitive functioning by replenishing the brain’s finite attention reserves. If immersing yourself in nature isn’t feasible, alternative methods such as watching nature films, listening to nature sounds, or viewing nature photographs can also help diminish your internal chatter.

Organize your physical space: Tidying up and decluttering your environment can foster a sense of control and order, which in turn can alleviate mental clutter when you feel overwhelmed in other aspects of your life. A well-organized space can improve focus, reduce stress, and enhance overall well-being. By creating a visually pleasing and functional environment, you can establish a more harmonious connection between your external surroundings and your internal thoughts, ultimately helping to manage and mitigate negative chatter.

Enhance social connections: Actively seek support from others by sharing your experiences or simply enjoying the company of friends and family. In-person interactions can help you feel understood, valued, and emotionally supported, which can contribute to a reduction in negative chatter. Keep in mind that passively scrolling through social media can often lead to self-defeating, envy-inducing thought spirals, making this form of “social connection” counterproductive. Engaging in physical contact, such as hugs or touch, can also strengthen social bonds and foster a sense of comfort and belonging, further promoting emotional well-being.

Develop a personal board of advisors: Depending on the area in which you are experiencing internal chatter, different individuals may be uniquely qualified to provide the most effective guidance. Over the years, I have consulted therapists (for both couples and individual therapy), career coaches, mentors, sponsors, religious leaders, support groups, and numerous trusted friends and colleagues for assistance with a wide variety of issues. It’s important to cultivate a diverse network of supportive people you can rely on, ensuring that you don’t overburden any single person. My advisors serve as an antidote to my Shitty Committee, consistently offering encouragement and support, rather than undermining my confidence.

I had reservations about sharing my struggles with negative chatter for this musing due to embarrassment and stigma around mental health issues, but I ultimately decided to write this reflection because it aligns with threadUP's leadership principles of psychological safety, authenticity, courage, and transparency. By being open and honest about my experiences, I hope to help others — who may be going through similar challenges — know that they are not alone.

Furthermore, I believe that the strategies and techniques discussed in “Chatter” can be immensely beneficial to anyone looking to improve their mental well-being and manage their internal dialogue, even if this chatter is less extreme than mine was. Through employing practices like reframing, distanced self-talk, and developing a personal board of advisors, individuals can learn to quiet their negative chatter and channel their inner voice towards more positive and productive outcomes.